I've been looking back at old posts and a lot has changed. I feel like I could have been through a life time between then and now. I was so happy. Well not completely, I know that. But I know I was fine with pushing all my problems to the back of my head then. I still do, but there's a fucking load more of them to ignore. I'm not going to mention them all now but here goes one...
Tuesday 15th of March 2011.
The night before, I could barely sleep. I ended up sleeping in instead of going to swimming training. I felt slack so did some exercise straight away. After that I was running late so quickly attempted my face/hair to look, look-able. Roll call I thought about how we'd do nothing in Visual Arts as usual, so that was okay.. but was dreading assembly after Art. I walked with Phoebe and Lani up the stairs. We all sat down, and found the shorter chairs (there are tall and short stools). About half way through the class a girl came with a note for our teacher. Miss Gonzar, our teacher, told us that all of year 10 wasn't to go to Assembly after period 1 and had to go to the Performing Arts Centre. I was happy about that, but strangely a bit worried about why. She went on and told us that Mr Crossely had seemed very distressed this morning so was a bit concerned. As soon as she said I started making up possible situations in my head. I had noticed an empty stool earlier in the lesson, assuming she was away. As the class neared to the end my heart was starting to beat faster, and in all truth - I have a very slow heartbeat. I knew it was going to be to do with her. Maybe she was in hospital? If only she had been. I knew she had disorders, I had known her since kindergarten, I had never been a close friend but more of an acquittance. Nonetheless I had never disliked her even though I knew in primary school she didn't exactly like me for being friends with certain people. She was one of those people that you were always friendly to, they were always friendly to you, those people you just assumed would always be there. The next part was all full of mixed emotions and a massive blur in my life. All the students were gathered into the small centre, a few were missing. I was freaking out. I noticed some of her closest friends weren't there. May have been coincidental, I thought. Mr Crossely, our principal came forward with tears in his eyes. I forget what exactly he had said. The only words I remember were 'Mary Baker has passed away this morning'. At first I didn't understand. She was supposed to be okay. She was supposed to be in hospital, at the worst. She was meant to be in Art this morning. She was meant to be sitting here while he told a completely different story about something completely different. She was gone. It didn't and it still doesn't make sense. She was gone. Everyone around me was completely in hysterical sobs. Teachers were trying hardest to stay calm. I was alone. Jess had been called in with the other girls, that were closer to her. The bell finally rang and students filed out and half of them stayed. I drank water. Water only. After a while I decided I'd go outside, I felt ill, I sat down outside. I didn't even care people could see me. I hate crying in front of people. But there I was eye's filled with tears falling down my face tasting like salt. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to go anywhere. We ended up going to the Language Centre instead of going to class. I saw the looks on her closest friend faces. It made me want to run up and hug them straight away, if I felt like this I have no idea how they must feel. Her family. In my head was playing the last class of textiles with her, she had helped me a lot with cutting out my material. She measured and ruled perfect lines as I cut the fabric. She had a smile. I wish I could believe her friends smiles now, I can't stand it. You are so perfect. I guess you just didn't understand that. I could only wonder how, what happened. To me I assumed you had died from anorexia, I had known you had it and it was the only conclusion I could come to. I hadn't know you had depression, but that comes hand-in-hand with it I suppose. You were so thin. One of the sad things is that I was always jealous of that. I don't remember the rest of the day except almost vomiting in the side walk while walking home.
Since then, everything has gotten worse. Since then, life has kind of falling into a heap. I do my best. I try my hardest. It's all in my head. It's like every day before I go to school I lock up a box with everything bothering me, all the things and throw it into my head. It just sits there. Half open. I know what's going on, but it's better to just leave it there now. Sometimes I feel as if it's going to explode open and pour out. But I tell myself over, to keep it there. It's better off.
