it's so funny how no one actually cares unless you are about to die or weigh 30kg. it's not funny, it's sad. it's sad that no one seems to realize that to get to that point, there is a long period of suffering. it's sad that no one realizes someones in that long period of time. you won't realize until it's too late too. 

'oh she's fine. i'm not worried. she'll be alright. we're working on it. haha. she's made huge improvements. she's been to the doctor. she's going to a dietitian. she's seeing a psychologist. she's having her tests. she's told me about it. she hasn't vomited in a while. she eats.'

fuck you. fuck you so much. 

there's too many triggers. i can't do it. i just want to disappear.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Everything becomes a thousand times different when you're in love. You can't do these things to yourself. There is a huge battle in my mind. Everyday. I can do one thing or another. I can choose one, and lose you, I could chose the other, and hate myself. 

I need you more than anything. But what happens if I choose you, what happens when you leave. I'll have done this for nothing. I don't know. 

I'm scared. I don't know anymore what's right and what's wrong. 

the irony of listening to 'damn you' whilst crying at night

#whitgirlproblems

1. You're in my dreams. I'm holding you and I'm not letting you go.

2. You've lasted this long with me. But everything's getting worse and I don't think you can take it anymore, I don't blame you.. you don't deserve this. I love you.

I need you now

Everything about you, everything about you I miss. Darling you were always perfect in my eyes, and I don't mean that in you had no faults, I mean it that even your faults were perfection. 

At times like these I just wish you were here to talk to. You are and always will be one of the coolest people I ever met. You'd never make me feel like shit and I don't know you probably hated me at times, but for sure you never made me feel it. You told me you'd never forgive yourself, and trust me I never will either, I can't.

From day one I've been searching for you, I've been waiting for you, I don't think I'll ever stop because I know you'll come back soon. I need you. I need someone to hate everyone and everything with again and then hate ourselves while we'd both tell each other not to but we knew neither would change. 

All I can think about is your smile, your laugh, your frown, your disgust in people, your love and just you. You're all I think about, even when I don't think I am, you're there. You're always there. But I can't see you, and I want to see you. I want nothing more than to fucking see you again. 

Funerals are supposed to make things official, they're supposed to be the moment you actually accept something and you realize in your mind that what's happened has happened. 

Your family was there.
Your friends were there.
You were there.

So why am I still busy telling myself you'll be home soon.
I'm still waiting for you, and I can't see a time when I won't be.

Darling, I miss you and I'll be waiting for you.
I know you'll come back.

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? Fo' sho'

2. You talked to an ex today, correct? Incorrect

3. Have you taken someones virginity? I'm no stealer

4. Is trust a big issue for you? ermahgerd I can't trust anyone. But seriously, don't really care. I trust who is trustworthy.

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? I like lots of people. But if you mean someone I'm inlove with then yes.

6. What are you excited for? Imaginary things

7. What happened tonight? It's today now so nothing yet tonight.

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? Disgusting when they start acting horrible but it applies to both genders

9. Is confidence cute? It's a good trait to have, not exactly 'cute'

10. What is the last beverage you had? Green tea

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? Quite a few

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Yah

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Too far ahead, I have no idea. Will I make it to Saturday night?

14. What are you going to spend money on next? House of Holy on vinyl

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? Yus

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? Everyone changes every day

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? Myself

18. The last time you felt broken? Now

19. Have you had sex today? nooo

20. Are you starting to realize anything? Not really

21. Are you in a good mood? Nope

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? If they were tiny

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? Yes

24. What do you want right this second? You, back.

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? Fair enough.

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Turning that way so yeah

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Everyone can make everyone laugh in one way or another. So I couldn't, but it usually will happen.

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? I don't remember

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Yes, but they're coming back

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Yes

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? Not at all

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? Of course

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? Unless it's Diet/Zero Coke or Pepsi Max

34. Listening to? Damien Rice

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? Occasionally

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? Yes

37. Do you believe in love at first sight? In ways

38. Who did you last call? Mum or William or Dad idk

39. Who was the last person you danced with? I'm not too sure, many people

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Because he is so handsome and I love him and he just looks like he wants kisses all the time

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? No idea

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? Yes

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? omg probably lulz

44. Do you tan in the nude? I have attempted but freaked out and went back inside

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? Never

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? Pretty much yes

47. Who was the last person to call you? William

48. Do you sing in the shower? Not anymore

49. Do you dance in the car? If I felt like it I probably would try

50. Ever used a bow and arrow? I have

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Debutante

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Mostly, I can't watch too many of them

53. Is Christmas stressful? Christmas is for cunts

54. Ever eat a pierogi? Wut

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? How about just fruit which could be watermelon right now

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Princess-cat-happy life

57. Do you believe in ghosts? Totally

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes

59. Take a vitamin daily? vitamin-s they gross

60. Wear slippers? Own them, don't really wear them

61. Wear a bath robe? Nope

62. What do you wear to bed? Williams shirt and shorts

63. First concert? Miley Cyrus y'all

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

for what? 65. Nike or Adidas? Probably Nike but I don't really care

66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Vita Wheats

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? None

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? the sixteen one omgs

69. Ever take dance lessons? Yes I used to do highland dancing ;)

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Yes

71. Can you curl your tongue? A tiny bit

72. Ever won a spelling bee? Probably but like the dumb class ones in primary school

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes

74. What is your favorite book? At the moment - Perks of being a Wallflower, probably because I'm reading it now

75. Do you study better with or without music? Without probably but I still do with

76. Regularly burn incense? No, mummsy does though

77. Ever been in love? I am :)

78. Who would you like to see in concert? A lot of people! Lana Del Rey, Led Zeppelin, Simon & Garfunkel or just Paul Simon, Joan Baez, Rolling Stones, Iggy Pop, Sky Ferreira, David Bowie, Metric, the Sounds, Jeff Buckley, Velvet Underground, Justin Timberlake, Queen :( the Smiths or Morrisey (missed out on him)

79. What was the last concert you saw? Big Day Out 2012

80. Hot tea or cold tea? Hot usually but lipton ice tea is gr8

81. Tea or coffee? Tea

82. Favorite type of cookie? Cookie Monster

83. Can you swim well? Probably not anymore, but used to.

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes

85. Are you patient? Not really

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? Band

87. Ever won a contest? Probs not

88. Ever have plastic surgery? No

89. Which are better black or green olives? Black!

90. Opinions on sex before marriage? I think it's lovely people still don't until marriage.

91. Best room for a fireplace? living room

92. Do you want to get married? One day