caught by the river

i hate you. you know why. because its better than feeling nothing at all. i can actually feel something. without hating you i dont feel a thing. i feel nothing. because theres nothing there to feel. i hate you and love you at the same time. and its killing me. i cant decide which. actually its not that i cant decide. its that i cant only feel one. i cant not hate you. i cant not love you. i cant control that. and trust me if i could. i would have gone by now. i would have left. a long time ago. because this is just horrible. i dont know what you call what im right now. i wish for you everyday. i wish. but somehow i tell myself its not going to happen. and somehow i tell myself its going to happen. and thats another thing i cant control. you can only control that. but you have no idea. you dont know anything. at all. and im the only one. and i can control that. but i cant tell you either. unless things change. which im confused about too. i cant tell whats going to happen. i cant tell if things are going to turn into a happy ending, or a clean break. i cant tell if im going to still feel this. i cant tell if this is all a waste of time. i just cant. and thats why i hate you. i have no reasons to love you. but i still do. what the hell is going on? i cry. for no reason. the reason is there. but i cant find what it is. i wish i wasnt nice to you. because your making my life hell. your making my life feel things i dont want to. so thats why im going to run away. because i hate this. i hate you. i love you. everytime i say that i have to say both. because saying one would be choosing. and i cant. so im going to leave. run away. and not with you. not with anyone. just me. because then i cant be hurt. i will run to the ocean. i will run to the forest. i will make friends with the stars. and i will wear my white dress everywhere. i will run in the sand. because thats the only thing i feel there. i will dance through the rain and cry. tears of joy not hate or love. tears of happiness. because im as far away as possible. im gone. without notice. and i hope you hurt. i hope you cry. i hope you love me. when im gone. i hope you hate me for going. i hope you cry yourself to sleep every night. i hope you miss me. i hope your thoughts are invades by my dissapearance. because i hate you and i love you and you deserve what ive had to. because i cant control this. and i hope you cant either. so have fun you know. have fun in all that. because really i dont care. i dont care. cos i will be gone. forever. and you can live with that for your life. until one day you find me. and make my life happy. more happy than ive been without anything anyone. but for now. i hope you die. bye.