Until We Bleed

to be honest. i dont know where im at. im stuck in this world where i seem to convince myself im alright. during the day i make it through laughing and smiling. i hate night time. everythings at nighttime. i hate sleeping. you think too much. maybe thats why i never go to bed. i love sleeping. but only the sleeping part, not the part before or the part where you dream. just how you wake up, and you seem to have enough courage to make it through another day. i just hate it when you go to bed and you think. you think about everything in the world. about all your problems. all you dreams, hopes. everything that will probly never happen. and at night i have some really fabulous ideas. of what i will do one day. and in the morning, it all just seems impossible. and then you hate yourself even more, just because you let yourself down in your ideas. you hate it how you think up things and then they never happen, when they all seem so perfect in your head. reality comes and fucks it up for you. and how you think of everything that could be or would have been if you'd done something. how you spend hours just rethinking what would happen if you did something different. hours and hours on just one thing someone did. a simple thing like just saying hi. you replay those words in your head until you drift off into another world. this is an even worse world. its created to crush all your hopes of anything you've ever wanted. its called your dreams. its like a drug. its all so nice and happy when your there. but as soon as you wake up. its gone. like an older kid taking a childs lollipop, everything ends. and sometimes the best dreams the ones you want to remember, you forget. its a crazy thing like it knows if you want to remember it so its going to make you forget, and all the dreams you want to forget they sit there in the front of your mind. annoying you all day all night. its these things that make me confused in my life. i dont know who i am just yet. and i dont feel like i'll ever find out. i hate food. its like another less pleasurable drug, you eat something it tastes good but you have to have a lot to make you satisfied. and then it all turns into this lovely thing called fat. and you start to get bigger. that drug should be illegal. i forbid myself. and then theres clothes. ive realised none of it makes me happy at the very end of the day. when i come home. i see all the fabric draped on myself, it doesnt make me any prettier. its better just on the rack at the plush clothing stores. thats where they do their best. looking brilliant on nothing. and then adding something to them, just ruins it. music just makes me cry harder. it makes me smile more. it makes you do whatever you choose. if you play the saddest song, you will be sad. or heavy metal, you can get angry. its another thing just to encourage your feelings at the time. it just tells you to be a bit more faithful in each emotion. love. i dont have much to say about this, as i gave up before i got in. better a empty heart than a broken one.