1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?At the moment they would be; Terrible Love cover - Birdy, 9 Crimes - Damien Rice, Brothers in Arms cover - Joan Baez, I know what I know - Paul Simon, You Can Call Me Al - Paul Simon, Running Up That Hill cover - Placebo
2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?A lot of my favorite musicians; Joan Baez, Paul Simon, David Bowie, Lana Del Rey, Robert Plant. etc. etc.
Also alot of my favourite models etc. I don't know so many people
3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.Through a still virulence,
4: What do you think about most?You. Myself - not in a self centered way though. Alot of other people too.
5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?Too long too personal, not saying.
6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?With
7: What’s your strangest talent?
Can't say I have many talents. Wah.
8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)Girls die Boys cry
9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?Nope
10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?Never
11: Do you have any strange phobias?Life
12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?No only cool kids do that with chocolate coated bullets bby
13: What’s your religion?Live fast die young be wild have fun
14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
wishing I was inside
15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
Behind it
16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?
Led Zeppelin / many more..
17: What was the last lie you told?I'm fine
18: Do you believe in karma?Bad and good things will happen to everyone.. that's just life, not karma.
19: What does your URL mean?To each their own, figure it out yourself
20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
My mind / I do not know
21: Who is your celebrity crush?Too many
22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?No
23: How do you vent your anger?Bottle it up 
24: Do you have a collection of anything?Not overly, usual things like books, cds soon to come records
25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?Phone mostly
26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?No
27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?Words from people I don't want to hear. Songs.
28: What’s your biggest “what if”?What if I talked to you. What if I told you I love you more. What if I called you. What if I was a better friend. What if I wasn't a shit person. What if I was thin. What if I was happy. What if you were here now. 
29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?Woteva 
30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.my phone / a book or another phone
31: Smell the air. What do you smell?disgusting food
32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?the bathroom
33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?East Coast
34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?Robert Plant ma bby doll or Jim Morrison/Freddie Mercury 
35: To you, what is the meaning of life?To hurt and bleed and once in a while smile
36: Define Art.Garfunkel? 
37: Do you believe in luck?No, it's just chance
38: What’s the weather like right now?Night time so no idea
39: What time is it?10:40
40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?Yes, no.
41: What was the last book you read?Go Ask Alice.
42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?No
43: Do you have any nicknames?Yes
44: What was the last film you saw?the Labyrinth
45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?Heart is broken
46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?I've set one free for the first time
47: Do you have any obsessions right now?Yes
48: What’s your sexual orientation?Straight
49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?Probably not I'm not that exciting
50: Do you believe in magic?I do believe in fairies I do I do
51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?Nope
52: What is your astrological sign?I think it's Libra
53: Do you save money or spend it?Spend it
54: What’s the last thing you purchased?Pepsi Max
55: Love or lust?there's always both
56: In a relationship?Yes
57: How many relationships have you had?Two - including current one
58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?Probably not, not trying either hoe
59: Where were you yesterday?Home and Racheals aswell
60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?Yeah - le bin
61: Are you wearing socks right now?no
62: What’s your favourite animal?Tigers and cats and cute things and jellyfish and fat bunnies
63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?Lol. Get someone else to pretend to be me
64: Where is your best friend?Gone far away
65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.shit question go fuck yourself
66: What is your heritage?Scottish / German
67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?Watching the labyrinth or texting
68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?Gay cunt
69: Be honest. Are you inlove?Very much so
70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?No
71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?Lets be honest I didn't read this and can't be fucked answering it
72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?Probably a. but I don't know now
73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.can't have one without the other
74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?Most songs off Paul Simons Graceland
75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?why the fuck would anyone care
76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?William Coghlan 
77: How can I win your heart?Be him ^
78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?Yes
79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?Said yes to a certain someone. And listened to alot of super songs
80: What size shoes do you wear?Varies but generally an 8
81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone? woteva. reckless cunt.
82: What is your favourite word? aye
83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. blood
84: What is a saying you say a lot? idek
85: What’s the last song you listened to? i know what i know
86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? pastel colours / black white
87: What is your current desktop picture? all ma buddies
88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? a massive pinata 
89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? What's wrong? What are you thinking? etc.
90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? Can't be fucked reading that gosh
91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? To be insanely perfect
92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? Time with you
93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? The most recent one
94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? Unffff David Bowie when he was younger + Freddie Mercury/Robert Plant etc.
95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Russia
96: Do you have any relatives in jail? my mumma
97: Have you ever thrown up in the car? yeah man
98: Ever been on a plane? yesh
99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? If you'll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal.

You mean my world. I don't just say this now, because you've always been special to me. 
I don't know where you went and when you're coming back but, precious, it hurts not having you holding my hand. So I'm waiting, I'm not going anywhere okay. I know you're coming back. I know you are. This was all just a big mistake, I know you wouldn't leave without saying goodbye. I know that you wouldn't leave me here, you just wouldn't. So if you decide where you are now is better, please come back for a moment and take me with you. 

reassurance

I don't think it matters what I do anymore. I really don't. It's been long enough and everything is fine, nobody is hurt and that is living proof. Obviously, why would anything not be okay? I am just silly. 

I don't mean to sound so self-centered, I'm just writing shit. Just reassuring my life, apparently writing stuff down makes it more real. So that's it.

Writing it now, so I know for sure myself. 

I am okay. I am normal. Everything is fine, and that is all.

I'm not sure if typing and writing are different

But who cares, everything here is true

:)

What we have here is a dreamer, someone completely out of touch with reality.

I made a promise to myself quite some time ago. And I have gone against everything I ever said to myself. I hate myself and love myself for it. I promised to never let anyone in on my life, I promised to never become vulnerable, to be independent. And I've become everything but.
I'm a negative person, and I doubt that will ever change no matter how much I'd like it to. But if you never expect anything, you're never disappointed, you're never heartbroken or unhappy.
So here I am. Hoping for the best yet expecting the worst. I wish I could see a future. I wish I could sit here and picture in my mind myself in 10 years, 5 years, even 1 year. I don't see anything. I don't see myself there. Let alone you with me. You see most people my age have a future in mind. They see themselves seniors in school stressing about hsc, finishing school, having a gap year maybe, probably falling in love along the way, getting a job, marriage, children, being a parent, growing old with the ones they love. I don't see any of that. I can barely see myself at all.
And here we are. I love you. You made me believe in things, you make me feel like I'm worth something. You make me hate you for this. It's hard to explain. But now I'm scared. I'm scared because I know it's far too late to pretend I don't have a heart. And I'll tell you one future I can see. Is the end. I can picture it all to clearly. 

Holiday To Do List

I need distractions/goals/whatever for the holidays so here they are...
1. Get thin
2. Get tanned fully
3. Try and keep my skin good
4. Re-decorate my room
5. Finish my quilt
6. Watch a zillion romantic/tragic movies
7. Get a manicure.. so don't ruin nails before hand
8. Visit Maddy
9. Get more songs for when I go to Queensland
10. Find a bikini and buy it and wear it
11. Buy a new dona cover
12. Buy new concealer/mascara/brush cleaner
13. Start driving
14. Buy some good high waisted shorts/skirts
15. Only straighten my hair when absolute needed
16. Don't waste any money on food - at all.. and try not for movies
17. Do exercise every day
18. Don't wear makeup when not seeing anyone.. or just don't anyway except eye makeup
19. Borrow books/music from the library
20. Go to the gym

4 weeks. 32 days. It might not be forever, but it's now and I miss you. I can feel your going to forget me, and I really wouldn't understand you if you didn't. 

Honestly I don't find anything this year good, happy, perfect, wonderful.
I don't think about my "brilliant" life before I close my eyes every night.
I find it hard to close them at all. I like to stay up as late as possible just so I fall asleep straight away.
Firstly it's not like I was happy with my life before this year anyway so that still stayed the same, foolish to think they'd ever change.. move on.. grow up.
Secondly your diagnosis, I guess I never thought of you that way but with a childhood like that you can't expect someone to be normal.
Thirdly your death. Half a year today. It's sad but true that I'm jealous, I am and I can't explain it. You were perfect, I wish I was perfect.
Fourth you came back. I can't honestly say that you ever left, I know your always there and it scares me and I know I can never turn back even if I try to act like it the voice is there, the mind is there.
Fifth I ruined us. I can sit here saying we could have been special but I'd be lying. I know eventually you'd move on and find someone better but I'm just sorry to ruin it for you for that moment even if it was for the best.
Sixth your death. I guess it was another reminder. Same date too. Same date. Same date.
Seventh your diagnosis. I cry a lot more these days just thinking of the amount of pain you must be in. How you hold it all in and don't tell anyone, you try to be so strong and you are. But it pains me to know the consequences of most of these diseases.
Eighth your still there but not really here. I don't know if anyone knows how much it hurts me that my bestfriend isn't exactly with me everyday like it used to be, I was with her every second at school and now it's gone to almost just in classes.

Let it be

I'm such a pathetic person. Your way too good for me and we both know that. You could just be talking to me for kicks and you may decide not to talk to me any moment.. and for you it wouldn't matter you wouldn't be upset you wouldn't care. For me I have to sit here wondering why you'd talk to me, of all people? there are so many better prettier girls you can just get to talk to you. And for that matter you probably are talking to a whole heap of girls anyway. I know for a fact nothing will happen, but when you talk to me like that I can't help but wonder and get my hopes up. Which in the end I know I'll just get hurt because your just simply out of my league.
FUCK BOYS. UGH.

Today I saw you. I don't like seeing you. I don't like it when people speak about you. I don't like it when people try and talk about your problems. I don't like it when anyone mentions those types of problems. But you see, for that glimpse of a second I saw you, I can still see that those problems are there as ever. I hate you. I just want to scream at you, scream at you for poisoning my innocent mind. I was fine. You weren't. And now we're both not. And I used to think people could just turn these problems on and off, and I know now, you just can't. Maybe lose control for a day but living with the guilt just kills, it hurts more than a knife or heartbreak. I'm constantly looking back, what went wrong? what changed my mind? how did this happen to me? I was happy, I didn't care about these things. I still don't know if it was you who brought this along but I guess I like to blame you nonetheless. But the thing that makes me mad the most is that you'll always be perfect. No matter what you do, your going to be my version of perfection. Your always going to be there for me to compare myself to. I will never be as perfect as you, ever. But for now, I'm still trying, every day, hoping one day I might look in the mirror and see that perfection.

happiness is just a phase
love is just a fairytale
life is just temporary

I can't do this anymore, I say.
But it's too late. My mind is changed. I am changed.
I can no longer switch it on or off.
This is now my home, forever and always.
This is my one love, that will never stop loving.
You make me cry, randomly. Never before.
But today I know, you're here to stay.
You'll tell me what to do, your in my head.
Please keep me company, for I am now lost.
I hate you, but your all I have.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15.
Smile, laugh, love, flirt, giggle, grin, enjoy, happiness, pretend.

All I can think of is 'whose next'
I almost start crying when someone says they have to tell me something
I have so much to say, so little idea how to say it

Idk.

 
Del Kathryn Barton is an Australian artist whose work is so amazing, and I think I'm inlove! I so wish I had skill enough to be an artist for a career, it would be so wonderful to just draw/paint.
More Art Here!

Miranda Kerr = Perfection

I have started to feel physically ill of myself again. I feel like vomiting, all. the. time. It's horrible but I can't not. I'm so disgusting, and I wish when people say I'm not, I'd believe it and it'd help but it doesn't work like that it just makes me feel more disgusted about myself knowing that they, perfect as ever, think I'm pretty/skinny which I know so very clearly I'm not and I just feel like they're feeling sorry for me or something. I hate it. I hate this.

 QUE SERA SERA

Rain, rain, rain, rain down on me.
- Today was a pretty day
- It's now raining
- I'm jealous of you, but my competitiveness will change that.
- I started a new blog
- I ordered two books online; The Tales of Beedle & Bard, Just Listen.
- Planning on doing my geography assignment on Sunday, I hope I do it.
- Seeing my aunt tomorrow, I miss her. And my grandparents, I miss them.
- My mom will be angry tomorrow.
- He ran out of pills
- I laughed today, I took off my jumper
- I downloaded one song today.
- I read the paper and talked to dad
- Convinced her to make the healthiest thing possible for dessert in the book; poached pears
- I feel sick now
- I will go to bed before 12am
- I have to decide my life in two weeks
- Everyone is sad, always.
- I haven't painted my nails in about 4 weeks
- I have blisters on my feet and they really really hurt
- I helped and made salad for dinner
- Realizing everyone is two faced, not always in a bad way but no one has the right to say it to anyone.
- He came home today, not happy
- I cannot wait until Pottermore, my life will be complete.

X

I don't even know what my problem is. What the fuck is wrong with me. I ate a scoop of ice-cream today. I literally feel so sick. I need to vomit. It needs to get out of me. I really don't know why I decided to eat it. Maybe it was punishment, maybe I thought just to see what it tastes like. I don't know but right now it seems a hell of a punishment. I hate it. It's disgusting. It's like something is stuck in my throat and all I can do is, just, taste it, in my mouth, there. I think I've had about 4 glasses of water and I think it's like something is stuck there. I know, what. the. fuck. I think it's because I had a fight with my mother this morning, one of the many. Or maybe it's just punishment for everything and anything.
I am so angry. I am angry at everyone and everything. I am angry myself. I am angry at my parents for buying ice cream. I am angry at my brother for being happy. I am angry at my friends for being perfect. I am angry at the weather for not raining. I am angry at everyone whose at the snow, which I am not. I am angry I can't like boys normally without being a sulk. I am angry at the geography test tomorrow. I am angry I haven't started my r.a.p for geography. I am angry at you for being so fucking perfect at everything. I am angry that I am angry. I am angry with myself for being angry about these things. I wish I could just be happy for people. They deserve it. I don't . Fucking hell.
I also don't know why I write this, I think it's just somewhere I can leave my thoughts and rant on about things no one else really cares about, things I really don't want to tell or talk about with anyone at all. I wish these thoughts would disappear after I click 'Publish Post'. Every time I click that button, I hope the thoughts will vanish. But they never do, but here's hope again...

This sounds silly, but I'm scared of the weekend. Weekends are so unpredictable, I don't know exactly what I'm doing and when and where and who. Week days are so much easier. I know what I'm doing. I know when I'm exercising, how much, how long, where, who with. I know what classes I have each day. I know what I do after school. I know what I eat each day. I love weekends but I hate them. I hate not knowing what I'm going to be doing, what I'll be eating, where I'm going, whose going to be there. I hate that I can freely do as I like, whatever I want. Because I'm scared of what I want. I'm scared of being able to let myself be bored. I need to be occupied. I need to be on schedule. I hate the unknown. I'm scared of it, really.